In a surprise press meeting, Belichick fired everyone on the team, including the staff. Belichick stated in the 2 ½ minute meeting that he’s pissed about the “whole 18-1 season thingy”, and by “canning everyone they’ll know I’m somewhat displeased…I plan on going 38-0 this season by winning every game twice-I’m not holding anything back.”
At the end of the press conference, he took several questions to which he answered “No”, “Yes”, “Maybe, but I can’t be 100% on that”, “Pink” and “No habla escargot”. He then left handouts which he stated would explain how he planned to “build a new team from the sky up” done only by drafting his dream team. Here’s part of his hand written handout about who he plans to draft:
QB will be filled by Waldo, assuming we can find him. Back up QB will be Carmen San-Diego….assuming we can find her too (No on knows where in the world she is). If neither choice can be found then we’ll use Tom from myspace….he’s everyone’s friend.
WR’s will be replaced by “The Golden Girls.” Long routes may be an issue…
The running game will be a one man show by the Incredible Hulk. Ok, 2 if you count Bruce Banner.
The Offensive line will be replaced by the A-Team. They were nominated for 3 prime time TV awards, so they’ll be sure to get us into the playoffs. Murdock will be the Defensive captain simply because he’s crazy! I love it when a plan comes together!
Special teams will consist of Chuck Norris. Chuck will have a headset in his helmet, along with a camera, a mini TV with HBO and a cappuccino maker. No one will ever “blow the whistle” on Chuck out of fear of being round house kicked into infinity (and beyond). Chuck will also be the workout coach-he’ll use his total body gym to kick everyone into shape.
The Defensive line will be replaced with the entire cast of “High School Musical”. This should keep people from calling the D-line “aging”. DL Ty Warren and Vince Wilfork both will be replaced by Flavor Flav. Under the lights, the reflection from his gold teeth should be devastating.
Corner Backs/Safety’s will be replaced by a nude Pamela Anderson. They can throw the ball all they want-their entire offense will be drooling over Pam….as will I. Note to self: Edit that last part out before releasing to media.
The entire coaching staff will be replaced with Mini-Me adorned in a cut up hoodie.
All kicking positions will be filled by none other than the Karate kid, Ralph Macchio. The intent is to have him “Crane kick” the football, making opposing teams “No able to block Danielson”.
Owner Robert Kraft released a statement stating that Belichick neglected to mention the following positions that will be filled: Towel boy will be filled by Martha Stewart, and Public affairs/media relations will now be headed up by Darth Vader.
Interview with Bill to follow…